In preparation for a life in comedy I have to learn to be a better writer. In order to become a better writer, I have to take just about every writing gig that I possibly can. Managing a comedy career and learning to become a better writer means long hours and lonely nights. It also means a whole lot of delivery chinese food for those late nights.

Imagine my surprise recently, when my favorite chinese food restaurant asked for me to write copy describing their most famous dishes for the Nationally recognized ZAGAT Guide, now that they have revamped their menu to support more international flavors. They paid me in food. Every evening they would drop off a dish and give me it's name, which worked for me because I happen to be rather adventurous with dining.

It could be ZAGAT's fault, but i'm assuming they were not fans of my work because to date, my descriptions have yet to be published ... until now:

1. Private Sausage

A Duck Dong specialty, private sausage consists of one slow roasted traditional Vienna sausage bathed in soy sauce and served over a bed of white sticky rice. What makes the dish special is it's delicate, circumcision like carvings on either end of the sausage. Traditionally served with a spicy green wasabi mayonnaise for dipping your sausage into, this is one dish that can't be kept secret.

2. Fried Eggs with Green People

Breakfast is available anytime at Duck Dong with this fabulous dish. Two fried sunny side up eggs placed with a hearty serving brown rice. What really makes this dish stand out though, is the cubed flesh of actual humans served as a side. The carefully chemically balanced meat is kept cool and healthy, and is a perfect variation for your palette throughout the meal. So good you'll assume eating it is illegal.

3. The Onion Explodes The Mutton

Duck Dong drops a juicy bomb with this local favorite. While the average consumer would consider an almost a patented rip-off of the Outback Steakhouse Classic "bloomin' onion", they are in for a meaty surprise at the end of the dish as four grilled Mutton Chops are placed neatly over a miniature timed explosive device. Don't worry about the danger factor in this meal. Every order comes complete with a pair of safety goggles.

4. Grilled Cock

What many would assume, by name alone, to be a clever twist on a heart healthy chicken breast, Duck Dong throws one hell of a curveball. The grilled cock is exactly what it's described as. One giant fully grilled horse penis. No sides necessary. You'll definitely feel full when you finish swallowing this cock. The dish is juicy, salty and sweet all at the same time. Often compared to the texture of slow roasted duck, this acquired taste is hardly ever hard or tough.

5. Rurality Salad

Duck Dong pays great tribute to the vegetable consuming lot, by offering this very simple salad. Almost as if pulled from the ground during the dustbowl, this collection of mixed vegetables includes: beats, turnips, cabbage, iceberg lettuce, carrots, mushrooms, tomatos, broccoli, rocks, cauliflower, onion, bell peppers, cucumber, and raddishes. All of this delicious topped off with a delicate drizzle of exra virgin olive oil and sunflower seeds.

6. Hot Pepper Clear Dry Meat

Science takes the drivers seat with this non-traditional dish. The same chemists who brought you Crystal Pepsi and Tab Clear give delightful birth to this fiery near-invisible tofu treat. What will shock you is the dryness of this faux steak, it almost feels as if it has to climb across your tongue, gently scraping the roof of your mouth. Pairs incredibly well with the Rurality Salad.

7. Fragrant Bone In Garlic (with Strange Flavor)

There is more mystery than you can imagine with this dish. So many questions. Does garlic have bones? What is that flavor? Why does it smell so damned good? That's part of the joy of this staple. Expect garlic, a bone, and something unexpected to tantalize your taste buds. There are no answers, only good eats.

8. Big Bowl Four Treasure Frog

One might argue that the most delicious soup in all of Atlanta, Georgia belongs to the Duck Dong Palace. This half gallon of chicken bullion broth is filled with several of the finest poached endangered poisonous tree frogs. You won't even notice that you are consuming something that could quite possibly kill you, because you'll be too distracted by both the pretty colors and the taste.

9. Fragrant Eggplant In Fish Pot

The meaty texture is not what shocks the senses with this meal. It's what it comes in. Several New England carp are deboned, gutted and then delicately sewn together to form an actual "fish pot." Filled with a slowly leaking seafood broth, the eggplant remains juicy and delicious. If you can stomach what the meal is served in, you will be plesantly pleased. (*Do not under any circumstances consume the "fish pot." It is often recycled.)

10. Tempura Sparrow Nest (Lo Mein Flavored)

The masterpiece of the Duck Dong is this brutally cooked, wonderfully exquisite piece of haute and asian fuison cuisine. Every week, the cooks plan an expedition to the North Georgia mountains in search of a complete sparrow nest. Each nest carries three eggs. Once brought into the kitchen, the entirety of the nest, pine straw and eggs are flash fried and covered with lo mein flavoring. The eggs then only partially cooked can be cracked and slurped from the shell. Be sure to watch for sad mommy sparrows as you make your way out to the car.

*** This place doesn't exist, the names of these dishes are pulled from an internet search of asian food menus.